So, I'm behind on my "classic feminism" literature. I'm just now reading Gloria Steinem. Not because I'm particularly interested, but because the mum handed me the book and I decided, why not.

So I started with "I Was a Playboy Bunny" and then moved to "Erotica vs. Pornography," because they interested me the most.

I can't pretend to know anything about sex or about porn or erotica. Well, the last one, because, hello, I'm in fandom. But I did not realize some women had such strong feelings against violent pornography. I get the revulsion; how could beating a woman ever get a man off? It's disgusting, barbaric, awful, etc. But she makes the case that, even in "role-reversal pornography," (and, just for clarity, pornography comes from the Greek words for the description of sex with a harlot/prostitute/female captive; but, personally, like a lot of words, I think it's moved on from it's origins. Cmon, we know how "bootylicious" in the dictionary; we don't take our words as seriously, in this day and age. As a writer, this is the source of my revulsion. But I digress), it's always about power and dominance over women. That, when a woman punishes a man and he finds pleasure in it, it's merely because she's defying her natural role as a woman and/or because he's taking the female role.

Bull. Shit.

A man who submits to pain--from my very, very limited knowledge of the BDSM lifestyle--is not taking on the female role. He's not getting off on being the woman. He's getting off on pain, domination, humiliation. It may not make sense to the general public, but if I've learned anything from fandom it's the, "don't yuck somebody else's yum" rule. (Courtesy of sahiya ). Don't question someone else's kinks, because they might question yours. From what little I know about the process, it's not the issue of being a woman. It's an issue of submitting to someone else's control.

I understand her problem with men and violence in sex and how it's sometimes, often, taken as just a part of nature that he's going to be rough. But I do not see that it is one-sided. I know a couple women (girls, I should say; they're not hardened adults, but they know what they like and what they want) who love to take control, to bite, to torture, maybe with pleasure, but still.

Maybe it is the fandom thing again. You see a lot of ridiculousness (how the fuck is the SPN fandom so goddamn misogynistic? They're worse than Dean and his "on a good day you get to kill a whore," manwhore self.) but most of the fics I've read have been fairly gender equal, especially in sex. If the woman is a sub, it's her character. It's not a sin to enjoy the feel of someone else at the wheel. Just as it's not a sin to be that driver. If the woman is a dom, it's her character.

The world needs all kinds. Two doms just does not seem to work. The dynamic would be all wrong. And while fighting for control might get them hot and bothered, there has to be a winner and chances are, if you're really a dominant, being the loser will not be a happy ending. Same with two subs. Who's going to be the one to step up to the plate? It's the whole balance, yin-and-yang thing that I'm really into. I believe in balance. If that's gender balance or sexual balance (in terms of, balance in sex), it doesn't matter. It's still balance.

And, while I believe, for some reason, that losing your virginity is something to think about and not do with someone you don't love, I think she confuses sex and love. From what I've seen and heard, the two are not mutually exclusive, but nor are they terribly far from each other. Society sometimes confuses their ideas on how fused the two things are. Personally, I believe that sex is, as Bones might call it, a stress release, a release of endorphins and other scientific things that I know nothing about. But I do believe that, while in a relationship with one you love, it should be with that person. (Short version: I believe in sexual and romantic monogamy.) She seems to think that just because the sex presented is not "making love," with the candles and the music and the rose petals, it is dirtybadwrong. It is not to be seen and not to be toyed with.

And back to power. "Pornography is about dominance. Erotica is about mutuality." I agree. But I don't see anything inherently wrong with the first. It goes both ways, is what she is forgetting. While it may be a lot of women with big bouncy plastic beach balls strapped to their chest moaning about how big the 70s-hairy man is, not all of it is about humiliation and rape and torture and murder. In fact, at least one female I know is amused by porn she's watched, but also totally turned on. Does that make her a bad woman? Someone who enjoys another woman being used for sex?

Not in the slightest. It means it's doing what it's supposed to. The moans and the "oh, yeah, I'm hard"s got to her, somehow. It's titillating. It's sex. It's something we're programmed to want. The sounds, the sights, we can only fill in the feel of it and we're hardwired to react.

Short answer: I may find it somewhat distasteful and I may enjoy my erotica much more, but I see nothing inherently wrong with porn. Just a bunch of people (dare I even call them women? They might take offense to it. Isn't it "womyn?" Taking the "men" out of one half of the world entirely.) finding something else to bitch about in this "man's man's man's world."*

Then again, maybe porn has just come a very long way since 1976/1977. Maybe it's classied itself up for us modern gals.

*I actually really, really love that song. Was just listening to it this afternoon and I think it's completely, 100& true. But that won't stop me from using it in a derisive way.

ETA: OHMYWORD is Amanda Tapping pretty with dark hair. I may just have to start watching Sanctuary.